


My Life Is A Joke (A Novel By Steven. G. Rogers)

by pansexualorgana (MaximumMarygold)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Steve Rogers, But hes also head boy, F/F, F/M, Gay Bucky, Gender Fluid Bruce Banner, Grey-romantic Steve Rogers, Hogwarts AU, Hufflepuff Bucky, M/M, Polyamory, Sex Education, Slytherin Steve Rogers, Transgender Tony Stark, human sexuality, or rather
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:24:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9108376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaximumMarygold/pseuds/pansexualorgana
Summary: Bucky is the worst.Based on the prompt "i am headboy/headgirl, and i’ve been asked to give a presentation on safe sexual practices, and you will not stop asking me uncomfortable questions to embarrass me, please stop, i know you know the answer to that, we did it last night"





	

**Author's Note:**

> holy rabies this was so much fun  
> poor steve  
> someone get him a good divorce lawyer because he is d o n e with all of his friends

There hadn’t been a Slytherin Head Boy since Headmaster Fury, and that was what made Steve so unbelievably sure that Fury was taking the _piss_.

“Sir?” Steve had said, looking to an equally gobsmacked Pepper Potts (Head Girl - Gryffindor).

“You heard me.”

Yes, yes Steve had heard him loud and clear and that was _exactly_ the problem. He opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to wrap his head around the concept. “Kind of hoping I misheard, he mumbled.

Fury hadn’t been impressed. Pepper’s red cheeks hadn’t helped and _then_ , oh, and then, Steve got to accept that he was going to have to stand in front of third, fourth, and fifth years and deliver what could only be called the _sex talk_.

They certainly hadn’t had this when Steve had been a younger student.

Bucky laughed until he’d rolled off of Steve’s bed, holding his stomach and openly weeping into the stone floor. Steve kicked him. Bucky laughed harder, almost looking he was convulsing.

Steve would have been worried if Bucky wasn’t such a _jerk_.

“I tell you not to do anything stupid,” Bucky gasps, “and you go and get yourself made Head Boy _and sex ed professor.”_

“I want a divorce.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at the ceiling. The one good thing about the whole mess was that as Head Boy he got his own area separate from the rest of the dormitories, so at least the rest of Slytherin House didn’t have to be privy to the latest chapter of _My Life Is A Joke:_ _A Novel By Steven. G. Rogers_.

Bucky snorted and rolled onto his back, “You can’t divorce me. I’m a Hufflepuff.”

Squinting down at the annoying brunette in the yellow sweater currently sprawled across his floor, Steve pursed his lips, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m _cute_.”

Objectively -or not so objectively- Bucky would be a hell of a lot cuter if he didn’t make it his mission in life to heckle Steve as much as possible at every turn. Steve knew, when he’d received his Prefect badge with his letter in fifth year, that it was the beginning of the end. Especially when Bucky had taken one look at it and howled with glee.

Weren’t Hufflepuff’s supposed to be _loyal_?

Which was probably an unfair grouse against Bucky’s personality. He was unfalteringly loyal. There was that debacle in first year, when Steve was small and Bucky was the only person who wanted anything to do with him and Hydra attacked the school.

(And the wizarding world refused to believe Hydra was back.)

And then that time in second year when Steve was still small but had accumulated more friends but none as swell as Bucky, and Hydra attacked the school.

(And the wizarding world refused to believe Hydra was back)

Then that time Bucky had gotten Imperiused _by Hydra_ in fourth year and managed to break free of it because _he knew his Stevie_.

(And the wizarding world _still_ refused to believe that Hydra was back.)

(And then Steve just about lost his faith in humanity.)

 _And then_ that one time Thor’s brother almost took over the world.

(That one the wizarding world believed. Figures.)

The list went on and on, one disaster after the next, Steve getting big, Fury faking his death, two magic powered robots that tried to take over the world ( _for shit’s sake, Tony_ ). And every time, even when Steve had nothing, he had Bucky.

“I want a divorce,” Steve repeated, though he definitely didn’t mean it.

 

Natasha though, he would divorce. And he’d take the whole chocolate frog collection just to spite her. She was doing that thing where her face would be very carefully blank but she was definitely laughing at his misery - she was just doing it with her eyes.

At least she had the decency to be subtle. Unlike Sam. He was gonna divorce Sam, too. He needed to get in touch with a lawyer.

“Are you going to use slang or scientific terms?” She asked innocently, tucking one lock of brilliantly red hair behind her slightly pointed ear.

“What?” Steve sputtered as Bucky broke into fresh giggles to his left.

“You know,” she had gone back to carefully brushing a coat of dark polish over her the nail of her right thumb, “are you going to call it ‘fellatio’ or a blow job? Vagina or pussy?”

Steve’s face had gone red. He could _feel_ it. He still blushed like he had when he was eleven and Peggy Carter had come to visit him in the hospital wing and pressed a kiss to his bruised cheek. It started at his chest and went up to his hairline. And there was _no_ hiding it.

“Whoa,” Wanda said, dropping onto the sofa next to Bucky, her yellow and black tie already undone and her shirt untucked from her skirt, “who set Rogers on fire?”

“If you don’t stop teasing him he’s going to set you on fire.” Pepper said sagely, folding herself into the armchair across from Natasha and waving her wand to summon a bottle of crimson polish to herself, “And I might help him. I have to take part in this fiasco as well, you know.”

Pepper was Steve’s favorite. Officially. Even if Tony did come shuffling into the common room after her with an illicit bottle of what was supposed to be pumpkin juice but was definitely firewhiskey hanging from his fingers.

“Hi, dear,” Pepper said, inspecting the edges of her nails to make sure the polish hadn’t spilled over, “I thought Ravenclaw had practice tonight?”

Grinning rakishly and running his fingers through his hair to tousle it, Tony looked straight at Steve, “We did. But when I heard what you and Capcicle have to do tomorrow evening I canceled it so I could bask.”

Panic the likes of which Steve had never felt -which was impressive considering the sheer number of life threatening situations he found himself in - gripped him, “You guys aren’t _coming_ are you?” It was only mandatory for third, fourth, and fifth years. His entire friend group was exempt.

“Of course we’re coming!” Tony cackled, “Great word use, by the way. But for real, we wouldn’t miss this for the world. Even Bruce is leaving the library in the dust for your lecture.”

Steve groaned, dropping his head onto Bucky’s shoulder and cursing his luck. And his friends. Really, they were awful.

The worst people.

And then Bucky’s hand cupped the back of his neck and someone, probably Natasha, charmed a blanket over the pair of them while Wanda’s quietly read Tony the riot act in Romanian. Clint arrived with little fanfare, calling out his hello’s followed by the clatter of his hearing aids dropping onto the end table because after a full day of classes he felt safe enough to be around them and be able to read lips and sign to them and there was a rustle of books and a pained sigh as Sam finally decided to write his Ancient Runes essay – a whole fourteen hours before it was due.

Maybe not _the_ worst.

“So, I heard that Rogers has to give us the sex talk.” Clint said suddenly, loudly.

Nevermind.

~~~

Whenever Pepper walked into the room Steve could always swear that somewhere, somehow, a Halsey song had just started playing. She’d changed for the ‘event’, donning a crisp, white suit instead of her normal school robes and pulling her hair back away from her face. Steve almost felt frumpy in comparison.

But then Bucky had raked his eyes over the way the dark blue shirt hugged Steve’s chest and let out a low whistle, so at the very least he didn’t look _bad_.

“Steve,” Pepper greeted him warmly as she ascended the podium where he was already awkwardly shuffling, “you look like you’ve just been told we’re about to go up against a Hungarian Horntail.” She was amused, her eyes glinting under the candlelight. She’d apparently worked out all of her anxiety the night before, “Relax.”

Relax. Yeah, sure. Alright. He was just going to chill out, square his shoulders, and scream the word ‘Penis!’ to the assembled _children_ waiting for them to begin.

Actually. That wasn’t a bad idea. It would definitely get their attention. And it might break the ice. After a sideways look at Pepper, a wry grin, and a quick cast of the _sonorous_ charm on himself, Steve opened his mouth.

“ _PENIS!_ ”

And, as Pepper quickly covered her mouth and her shoulders shook, and a couple hundred gathered teenagers looked at him in absolute shock, Steve couldn’t quite shake the grin. It had definitely gotten them all to look at him.

Which was a good thing. Right? Kind of the point.

“Now that I have your attention,” he said, clearing his throat gently, “I assume you know what this is all about?”

As the younger students just nodded there was a loud, monotone drawl of “Yes, Mr. Rogers,” from the back that had Steve scowling in the general direction of everyone he knew - Bucky in particular.

“We are not here to embarrass you,” Pepper cut in smoothly, stepping up until she was nearly shoulder to shoulder with Steve in her stilts. She’d cast her own charm while Steve was making his bid for attention, “just to provide information.”

Nodding his assent, Steve smiled his most encouraging smile, “Basic things. Sexuality, or lack thereof because as a couple of students I know personally could tell you, not experiencing sexual attraction is _perfectly_ normal, and it does not under any circumstances mean that you are broken.”

“But if you do choose to engage in sexual acts,” Pepper smiled her dimpled, sunshine smile at the room at large, “we want to make sure that you are doing it safely, and that everyone involved in said acts have consented.”

“Consent is not sexy,” Steve stated firmly, “consent is _mandatory_.” He paused after his statement, watching more than a few people squirm uncomfortably under his scrutiny and _good_. The number of people -it didn’t matter their gender- who didn’t seem to grasp that concept made him physically sick.

“We’ll also cover gender identity, briefly,” Pepper said after a moment, “But as Steve and I are both comfortable as the gender we were assigned at birth, I’ve gotten permission from Tony Stark and Bruce Banner -yes, raise your hands please-, to share their names with you. They are both in Ravenclaw house, and are more than than happy to talk to you, answer your questions, and help you figure out any problems you might be having regarding gender dysphoria and the like.”

“I’m a transgender man,” Tony piped up, saluting Pepper and Steve up on stage, “and the castle does, in fact, recognize your preferred gender.”

A girl in a Hufflepuff tie nodded her head, “It lets me in the girl’s dormitories,” she said softly, “I’m trans.”

Tony absolutely beamed and shuffled through the crowd to clap his hand onto her shoulder, “I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said that out loud, A.”

A just grinned bashfully and ducked her head as Bruce spoke.

“I identify as genderfluid,” they said, “I can go into either dorm and there’s always a bed for me.”

Steve couldn’t help his smile - he didn’t want to. It was going better than he’d thought. No one said anything transphobic, no one looked uncomfortable. It was _great_.

“Thank you, Bruce,” he said, “And as far as sexuality, I’m bisexual myself, but also grey-romantic which can be a confusing place to be.” He paused, letting that sink in, “Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same thing.”

Technically, Fury had only told him and Pepper to give the safe sex talk. But as far as they were concerned the only way to have _safe_ sex was to have informed sex. So, they were going to be as thorough as they could be.

“I’m the asexual that golden boy mentioned,” Natasha waved her hand in the air lazily, “but I do feel romantic attraction.” Clint, wherever he was -probably in the rafters or some other, equally ridiculous place- wolf whistled.

“Pansexual,” Tony said, and then after a pause, “also panromantic. And in a polyamorous relationship.” Subtly, he reached out and linked hands with Bruce.

“Gay as hell,” Bucky said, winking as a few of the younger girls looked distinctly put out, “sorry.”

Pepper cleared her throat before the room dissolved into chaos - Steve himself could already see people opening their mouths. It made his heart happy, as his aunt liked to say, to see the _diversity_ in the room, and on top of that people finding people like them. But they had time for the meet and greet after the assembly.

“You can discuss this later,” she said firmly, “and now that you have more sources than you may have thought on the subject of attraction,” here, she paused to roll her eyes fondly at their assembled friends, “the point that Fury asked we make this presentation was so we could just explain…” Pepper didn’t seem to know how to finish.

“Rogers and Potts are about to give you lot the sex talk,” Clint called out, perched on top of a gargoyle near the center of the wall, “so shut up and pay attention because I, for one, can’t wait to hear Captain Rogers of The Secret Society of Chivalry say the word ‘clitoris’,”

Steve could have cried.

“I think-” he had to pause to cough as his face turned bright red, “I think that Pepper and have decided to each handle the anatomy that we are most familiar with.”

“Oh yeah,” Bucky said loudly, “Steve and vaginas do not mix. I don’t think he’s touched one since he came out of one.”

 _James Buchanan Barnes_!

It could only get worse from there.

~~~

“I’m _just saying_ ,” Bucky argued, though he was most definitely _not_ just saying, “why do they call the prostate the male G-spot? I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to call it the male clitoris - and on top of that, isn’t it a little transphobic to label it the _male_ anything? I’m sure there’s at least one woman in the room who has a prostate.”

“The clitoris and the head of the penis are made out of the same material, Bucky.” Steve grit out. Though he had nothing to say about the point about labeling any genitalia male or female. He was going to have to switch that up.

~~~

“There’s no way a guy that size can bend like that.”

Bucky knew full fucking well that a guy that size _could_ bend like that because Steve had had _Bucky_ bent like that the night before.

~~~

“Rogers, is this a lecture or a peep show?”

~~~

“ _Jesus, Steve, I’m telling your mother!_ ”

~~~

“You kissed Peggy with that mouth?”

Peggy, blessedly perfect woman that she was, popped Bucky over the back of his stupid head while her girlfriend, Angie, cackled behind her hand.

~~~

“Goddammit, no that’s totally not possible. Bruce, come here big guy -it is still guy today right? - we’re going to prove that Rogers is full of it.”

~~~

“ _Pepper!_ ” Tony screeched, reaching forward blindly and covering A’s eyes, “Some of these kids are only thirteen!”

“It’s a vagina, Tony,” Pepper sighed with infinitely more patience than Steve was feeling, “half the population has one.”

~~~

“Are you gonna make us put a condom on a banana?” Bucky’s eyes lit up with glee.

~~~

Somehow, every seventh year in the room ended up in a competition to see who could properly apply the condom in the most outlandish way.

Clint won and Steve had no idea, even with magic, how he managed to do that trick with the slingshot.

~~~

“ _Are these flavored?_ ”

~~~

“You realize that these things are nowhere near as efficient at protecting against disease and pregnancy as the charms, right?”

“Yes, Bucky.”

“Okay, because you’re wasting a lot of time showing us the muggle way of doing it.”

“Some people like condoms, Bucky.”

“ _Who_?”

~~~

By the time the younger students filed out, probably far more traumatized than they should have been because _someone_ (Bucky) had questions about everything and _another someone_ (Tony) saw fit to give _pointers_ , Steve was about ready to sneak into the third floor corridor on the right hand side and try to pet Fluffy.

“I want a divorce.” He told Bucky firmly.

Bucky kissed him in response, lips split into the biggest shit-eating-grin that Steve had ever seen.

Or rather, not seen.

~~~

The phone numbers for three separate divorce lawyers found their way into Bucky's bed in the Hufflepuff Dorm a few days later (because Wanda was an enabler but it was okay because she was usually on Steve's side). 

**Author's Note:**

> *constantly jokes with C that im gonna divorce them* my relationship is so full of horse masks and memes
> 
> dont forget to come hit me [here!](http://elevendamerons.tumblr.com/)


End file.
